I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
