Need sex. Gaining weight.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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