It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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