Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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