I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
