You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
