Where did you get a picture of my penis
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
