she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
40s are totally the cure
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
