All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
