shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
