Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
