I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
