I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
