i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
