I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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