Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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