Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
