I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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