White coat. Heels.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
