Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
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