I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
