you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
