you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
