gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
