I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
