I need to stop coming to work sober
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
