i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
