News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
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