i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
