My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
