You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
