When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
