I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
