The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
