I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
