Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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