You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
