i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
