i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
