So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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