ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
