is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
