so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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