i just snorted my name. best moment ever
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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