I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
