My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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