I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
