so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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