listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
