my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
