I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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